


Cosmo Sex Tips

by jessicamiriamdrew



Category: Amazing Spider-Man (2012), Deadpool (Comics)
Genre: M/M, Sexual Content, Sexual Humor, Spideypool - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-02
Updated: 2012-11-02
Packaged: 2017-11-17 15:02:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/552857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jessicamiriamdrew/pseuds/jessicamiriamdrew
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Peter Parker has never read Cosmopolitan. Unfortunately for him, Wade Wilson seems to take their seduction techniques seriously.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Cosmo Sex Tips

**Author's Note:**

> Sexual humor, sexual content, Wade Wilson not understanding personal space when it comes to using these Cosmo tips. If that last bit sounds like a problem, turn back now!
> 
> This is for my friend Elle who gave me this crazy and yet entirely suitable prompt.

It’s somewhere between four and five am when he’s finally making it back to his apartment. He peels off his mask and tosses it on his kitchen table. Peter stretches out, rolling out the joints in his back that are feeling a little sore from that night’s activities as Spider-Man. He isn’t really surprised by the cache of weapons he sees on the floor. Deadpool comes by often enough that it’s not a new sight. He’d thought about trying to keep Deadpool out once but quickly changed his mind when he found his deadbolt in pieces on the kitchen table.

What is surprising is the quiet. “Wade?” he calls out, a little wary now. Deadpool _never shuts_ up so why is he being so quiet right now? He takes a cautious step into his bedroom. Nope. No Wade here. He sighs out loud and considers that Wade may have just dumped his weapons here on his way to another location.

His Spider-Sense is going off with alarms, and he can’t figure out what’s happening for a moment, but Deadpool has him backed against a wall. He lets out a whoosh of breath he didn’t know he was holding as Deadpool says, “Hey, Spidey.”

His breath is caught in his throat somewhere, acutely aware of how he’s pressed against a wall by Deadpool and how he shouldn’t be enjoying that as much as he is. It’s not like he’s been reevaluating his Kinsey score lately because of Deadpool.

“Are you part of the 34 percent?”

“What?” He’s squirming against the wall and he feels Wade’s hands flirting around the waistband of his suit.

“34% of guys want to be surprised with oral when they get home,” Wade says patiently like he thinks Peter is an idiot.

That snaps him back to reality and he shoves Wade off of him. _Thank you, proportionate strength of a spider._ Deadpool is looking at him with a grin still. “Fine. I guess you’re part of the 66 percent,” he drawls.

Peter opens his mouth to ask a question but Deadpool is already picking up his guns and katanas and going out the window.

“What the fuck was that?” His apartment is empty again and he wonders what exactly Wade is on about this week. If he’s trying to get under his skin, Wade is doing a superb job. Wade has _always_ gotten into his personal space but never quite like this. Then again, since when has he understood anything that Wade did?

-  
 _34 percent of guys say they wish a girl would surprise them with oral when they walk in the door._  
-

Peter is relaxing on his couch in civilian clothes eating pizza when Wade comes through the window. He thinks about asking about the other day but decides against it. The answer probably wouldn’t make sense and he’s not sure he wants to know about it anyway.

Deadpool sits down next to him and grabs a piece of pizza from the box. His mask is pulled up to his nose and Peter takes a few quick glances at Wade’s face. He’s never actually seen him with the mask totally off but he’s heard stories about what happened. He wants to ask Wade to take the mask off sometimes, just to see. What he says instead is, “Hey, asshole, that’s my pizza,” because saying anything else would be admitting that he thinks about Wade in a more than perfunctory manner–which he totally doesn’t.

Wade just grins at him and finishes off his piece of pizza. “The merc business isn’t paying too well. In fact,” he says with an eyebrow waggle, “do you have any change in your pocket?” He’s focusing too much on what that little twitch could mean that he doesn’t even notice Wade’s hand digging into his jean pocket. Peter lets out a whelp as Wade starts to rub his thigh and _other places_ that should not feel so good when it’s Wade doing the touching. “Or are you just happy to see me?”

Peter very carefully reaches over and pulls Wade’s hand out of his pocket. “I’ll get you a twenty from my wallet.” He can’t afford it but he also can’t handle Wade pulling a stunt like that. He pauses in the kitchen to catch his breath and try to ignore the fact that he’s got a hard on from Wade’s hand in his pocket.

When he gets back to his living room, Wade has disappeared. Peter doesn’t know what the fuck is going on these days. He picks up his phone from the couch and thinks about texting some of the Avengers to see if Deadpool is pulling similar shit with them. On second thought, if he isn’t, he doesn’t want any of them to know that Deadpool is doing this to him. He can almost hear the cracks Tony would make and see the twitch of Bruce’s upper lip.  
-  
 _When he's least expecting it, tell your man you need some change. Then stick your hand in his pocket and start rubbing his penis through the fabric, pretending that you're really digging around for that coinage you need. When he's good and hard, whisper something Mae West-ish in his ear like, "Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?" He'll practically bust out of his pants._  
-

He’s been doing a pretty good job of only seeing Deadpool in public places after the bizarre as fuck ways Wade has been asking. For some reason, Deadpool has been called in on an Avengers mission and it makes him roll his eyes hard, not that anyone can see it through the mask. “Did I miss something or are we really using mercenaries?”

The look that Spider-Woman gives him makes him close his mouth again. _Fine, whatever._ They won’t be able to blame him for this one if it goes belly up at least. When the meeting adjourns, he’s ready to get out of there, still feeling bothered by the fact that Deadpool is going to be a part of this mission. 

Of course, he doesn’t really have a choice about leaving when Captain America strides over him to discuss mission specifics. “We want you to work point with Deadpool.”

“What?!” He splutters. He’s seriously considering the possibility of a conspiracy. Is this some sort of great seduction attempt? Peter imagines Captain America saying, “Well, Spider-Man, we all really think you need to get laid.” Which he _does_ but that’s not the point.

“Were you even listening?” Captain America’s voice snaps him back to reality.

“Don’t worry, Cap, I’ll fill him in on the specifics.” Deadpool claps him on the back before pulling his arm away.

“Thanks, I mean, I could have figured it out.” But he is a little bit grateful. No one wants to get lectured by Captain America.

Then he feels Wade’s hand moving down to the near invisible back pocket of his suit and put his hand in the pocket. Peter looks over at him with incredulity etched into his face but Wade isn’t even fazed. He’s talking about The Mission while _stroking his ass._

Of course, Captain America is still nearby so it’s not like he can exactly freak out about this. “What are you doing?” he hisses.

Deadpool looks at him like he should know the answer to this and Peter wishes he could pull the damn thing off his face. “You have a nice ass.”

“Is there some logic behind all of this or are you trying to make me snap?” His blood is rushing in his veins and he honestly isn’t sure if it’s because he’s pissed off or because he’s enjoying it.

“It’s tip number 31,” he says like that explains everything.

“Right. Tip number 31. How could I have not figured that out?” What does that have to do with the way Wade is stroking his ass and making him clench his teeth tight to avoid making some seriously embarrassing noises?

Wade pulls his hand out from the back pocket of his suit and Peter has never been more grateful for his protective cup in his life given that it will block his erection from the costumed heroes he is always trying to get to take him seriously. He thinks having an erection around Deadpool would probably ruin that one.

“See you on Tuesday,” Wade says cheerfully like he hasn’t just been groping his ass. Peter needs a stiff drink or two or three, anything to make him forget that he has seriously been thinking about sex with Deadpool.

-  
 _Slip your hand into his back pocket and lightly stroke his ass... since it’s totally private and hidden from everyone else, it conveys that you’re feeling especially attracted to him._  
-

The one benefit to having Wade as a friend is that he never makes any fucking sense. It can be a detriment, too, but today he’s amused by the one word texts Wade keeps sending him. “Is this a secret code?” he texts back.

Wade doesn’t answer, of course, but Wade keeps sending him these one word texts. _Probably some sort of weird game._ All in all, it’s the most normal Wade has been lately so he’s glad to get these.

It’s only after he gets about ten messages that he starts to consider that they might actually be composing a sentence.

He throws his phone on the ground when he figures it out. “I want you to come over and I’ll suck your cock.”

Three cheers for sexual frustration. And his urge to punch Wade and push him against a wall and…

“What did I do to deserve this?” He idly hopes that Dr. Strange isn’t listening to him somehow. He’s got enough to deal with in the form of these text messages.

-  
 _Text your man racy one-word messages that, when strung together, hint at what you want him to do to you that night._  
\- 

“I brought donuts.” Wade is climbing in through the window and says donuts like it will somehow make up for the crazy way he’s been acting.

“Jesus fuck, no, Wade, I know what your plan is. You are NOT eating a donut off my dick.”

Wade’s left eyebrow quirks through the mask and Peter feels his face flush up. “Just brought you some donuts Petey, didn’t know you were offering yourself up as breakfast.” Wade sets the donuts down and Peter takes a deep breath. _Maybe it’s finally gotten through to him._

Wade’s looking at him in this calculating manner, though, and it makes him swallow hard. Peter looks at the box of donuts and then imagines Wade mouthing at his cock. He coughs.

“They aren’t going to reach out and bite you.” Wade’s got a half-eaten strawberry glazed donut in his hands and all Peter can think about is licking off the residue on each finger.

Wade pops the rest of the donut into his mouth and swallows it and Peter is definitely not looking at Wade’s throat when that happens. “Although, you know, if you _want_ me to eat a donut off your dick, I’m not opposed.”

Peter’s hand, just barely around a glazed donut, jerks back from the box and watches his donut hit the floor. 

“NO. What the fuck, Wade?” Of course, he’s in jeans and can’t do anything to hide the part where he’s still thinking about Wade giving him a blowjob. 

“Mr. Parker, you’re trying to seduce me.” Peter really regrets suggesting that they watch The Graduate on one of their movie nights. He is seriously, seriously regretting it. 

But then it fucking _clicks_. “That’s what you’ve been doing. These are your fucked up attempts at getting into my bed.” He rubs a hand across his forehead. This is one hundred percent not happening. 

“Cosmo sex tips. It’s working, isn’t it?” Wade is licking glaze off of each of his fingers. 

“You read Cosmopolitan.” He shouldn’t be surprised by this at all. This is Deadpool, Wade Wilson. Of course he reads Cosmo and would find sex tips an appropriate method of seduction. 

“For the articles,” he says and Peter wants to get that stupid fucking smirk off his face. 

He steps a little closer to Wade and wonders if he’s lost his own mind here. “You could have just told me you wanted to sleep with me.” The fact that it seems like the better choice makes him flush up. 

“And not get to grab your ass with Captain American two feet away? Nah.” There’s some donut glaze on the corner of Wade’s mouth. 

Fuck it. He leans forward and licks the glaze off Wade’s mouth and enjoys the surprised noise Wade makes. Wade’s arms are wrapping around him, locking him into place, and it feels great. Wade moves his mouth just enough to drag him into a kiss. He’s pretty sure this is the way porn stars kiss: all tongue and smacking noises and it shouldn’t be as enjoyable as it is. 

Wade pulls back and looks at him seriously. “I don’t put out on the first date. You’ll have to buy me dinner.” Wade must be able to see the distressed look on his face because he kisses him again. “Just kidding. I’d much rather tap that all night.” 

Thank god for the existence of Cosmo magazine. It’s the only time he’ll ever praise that stupid magazine but right now he’s going to give it the reverence of a holy book.  
-  
 _Slip a doughnut around his penis, and slowly eat it off._  
\- 

**Author's Note:**

> All of those are actual Cosmo Sex Tips. I can't say I recommend any of them.


End file.
